


That Was When

by The Red Squirrel (Just_a_Fangirl)



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Book compliant, Fuck you Stephen King you're the real monster - how could you do this to them?!, M/M, This is me anouncing that I am here for the Reddie content, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11786064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_a_Fangirl/pseuds/The%20Red%20Squirrel
Summary: With everyone else, his heart played along real nice, and everything was nice was fun and warm. But Eddie wasn’t everyone else, it seemed. Eddie was someone. And it wasn’t nice and fun and warm when it was someone - it was big, and scary, and important, and sad. And Richie wouldn’t change it for the world.





	That Was When

Halloween, 1958

 

That was when Richie realised what it was.

He’d always liked having crushes – crushes were fun, and Richie had a million of them.

Well, maybe not a million, but he certainly had plenty. He’d been able to gaze dreamily at both Bev and Bill that summer they’d...when they’d started to all hang out, and, something about a murderer? Oh, right, that guy – Christ, what was his name? He used to beat Richie up all the time and he scared the shit out of everyone that summer when it started to go too far and it turned out Bowers had actually gone insane. Henry Bowers! That was it. Weird that he could forget a thing like that.

But anyway, that summer that had been simultaneously the best and worst of his life, he’d started off admiring Bev – no surprises there, and he was hardly the only one. But then he’d noticed Bill, too. I mean, they’d been friends forever and sure, he’d always loved Bill, but suddenly it seemed to turn into something a little more fluttery and exciting. But hey, you couldn’t exactly blame a guy for getting a little hot under the collar when the handsomest, coolest guy you knew rescued you from the clutches of certain death and sped you away on his bike to safety. (Clutches of death? Must have been something to do with Bowers. Richie must be blocking it out because he couldn’t really remember – and something powerful inside him told him he didn’t want to, so Richie listened and let it go.)

Strangely, those little heart flips that happened around Bill didn’t surprise or worry Richie at all. He knew what the rest of the world would have to say about it, but Richie had never put much stock in the rest of the world, anyway.

So Richie was just enjoying it, whether it was Bill or Bev or someone else. It was fun, and made life exciting, and it was just kind of _nice_ to get that warm feeling in his chest whenever Bev joked back at one of his voices with a devious smile on her face, or when Bill would ask him his opinion on something like it mattered – mattered to the coolest, smartest guy he knew!

After a while, Richie started to see other people with those rose-tinted glasses of childhood crushes, too. Stan was so serious it was kind of attractive in a funny way – Richie didn’t really understand it, but when Stan would ignore his stupid antics it kind of made him want to try harder to get his attention and see what Stan would do. And Mike could be such a nerd it was adorable, but he was so mature that it impressed Richie, too. Maybe opposites do attract, at least on Richie’s end, because he liked that about people like Mike and Stan.

There were other kids, too, once they went back to school, and Richie found himself noticing people in the halls or out in the school yard, and then he wouldn’t be able to _not_ notice them. The feelings would come and go, he usually only noticed someone that way for a week or two – sometimes it would even be multiple people at once. There was one particularly exciting week when he would spend his class time staring at the mysterious new girl, Judy, then at lunch he’d be keeping his eye out for this guy named Nick who just kicked everyone’s ass at any game he got into, then his evenings were spent hanging out with/swooning over Bill, and Sunday was for making eyes at this girl who always stood near his family in church.    

It was busy, and exciting, and fun, and Richie liked it. He didn’t feel bad for liking all these people at once. He appreciated them in ways other people didn’t – surely that was a nice thing! Nobody else seemed to care that Judy did this adorable thing with her pencil when she was deep in thought – where she would nibble absent-mindedly on the eraser, look down disgusted at the rubbery pink appendage as if it had jumped into her mouth of its own accord, and then five seconds later repeat the process and looked just as surprised every time. Nobody seemed to care either that Nick wasn’t just good at sports, he was also impossibly kind and thoughtful. He’d seen Richie watching him one time and invited him to join in their game (Richie didn’t even know what the fuck they were playing, he hadn’t been paying attention to that aspect of it) with such a genuinely kind smile that Richie had been momentarily speechless.

So no, Richie wasn’t bothered by having a lot of crushes. It was all harmless fun when you didn’t actually want to do anything about it.

But then there was Eddie, and Eddie was different.

That had started over summer, too, but it was so different from his feelings for Bill and Bev that he hadn't even realised what it was. It was kind of sad and scary, too, and Richie didn't like feeling like that about his friend Eddie, so he did his best to ignore it – like he ignored every other remaining thought floating around his head about that summer.

But he had to face it properly on Halloween that year.

For some reason, none of his friends wanted to go out trick-or-treating that night. Nobody said it out loud, instead they said things like ‘That’s baby shit,’ and ‘It’s cold as hell out there’ and ‘Nobody around here gives out good candy anyway.’ But they all knew what each other meant.

Stan and Mike weren’t there, but they still knew it was meant to be seven of them, even when it was only Bev, Ben, Bill and Eddie who could make it to Richie’s house to hang out, arriving as the street outside began to swarm with kids in colourful costumes, hauling bags of candy from house to house.

Richie’s room was a sty as usual, but they were all well used to it and made themselves at home. Richie put on some music and they played a couple of rounds of Yahtzee, at which he thrashed everyone soundly. Then Bev wanted to play Monopoly, and Bill and Ben – surprise surprise – said that was a great idea. Sometimes the three of them made Richie uncomfortable. I mean, the little love triangle they had going on didn’t seem to be a problem for any of them, but it felt like it was going to be, and Richie felt bad for all of them. Someone was going to have to make a decision eventually, and someone else would probably get hurt.

Richie couldn’t be bothered with Monopoly and wanted to end his gaming streak on a high with his Yahtzee victory, so he and Eddie lounged on his bed reading comics while the little love triangle pretended to have light-hearted fun playing their game on the floor, but really just spent the next two hours stealing glances at the object of their affections.

Eddie sat with his back against the wall and Richie, just to be annoying, had spread himself on his mussed up covers and rested his head against Eddie’s hipbone. He didn’t think anything of it at the time.

‘Hey, Richie?’ Eddie’s voice said quietly, although there was no risk of them being overheard with how focused the other three were on each other.

‘Eh, what’s up doc?’

He waited for Eddie to smack him or tell his impression sucked, but instead Eddie said: ‘...Do you remember anything about this summer?’

Richie thought they all had a mutual understanding not to talk about this. He didn’t know why they needed that unspoken agreement, didn’t know what they could all be hiding from themselves, but he knew it, just as he knew he didn’t want to remember.

But he kind of saw how Eddie would be the one to bring it up. Poor kid had been taught everything under the sun was wrong with his body – if he started to have memory lapses he was bound to think his brain was going wrong now, too. It was only because of that that Richie decided to take pity on him and be honest in his own voice, before Eddie’s inner-Sonia Kaspbrak could dig her paranoid claws into him.

‘Not really. None of us do. We’ve all gone senile before our years. Like 70 years before our years. It sounds like a big deal but don’t worry about it.’

‘What do you mean don’t worry about it?!" Eddie asked – and Richie was sure that he would have shrieked it if he wasn’t trying to keep this quiet from the others.

‘Well, I mean, it’s the same for all of us. If you asked Bill he’d say the same thing; he doesn’t remember anything either, not really. And if the same thing that’s wrong with Bill is wrong with you, and he’s still doing fine, then you are, too, right?’

Eddie was quiet after this, seemingly placated. The Bill card could do wonders.

‘But...there are some things I think I _want_ to remember,' Eddie admitted, even softer. 'I don’t know what they are, but I know I don’t want to lose them.’

Suddenly, the blurry silhouette of a buried memory rippled across Richie’s mind.

Eddie had done something brave, hadn't he. Richie couldn’t remember what – he hadn’t even known he wished to until right now – but something so brave and amazing and surprising coming from Eddie Kaspbrak that it had changed Richie’s life. (Saved his life, too, maybe.) It was changed because  Richie now looked at Eddie like someone who was secretly special.

With people like Bill it was obvious – nobody could deny that Bill was handsome and smart and talented, and his stutter wouldn’t hold him back forever. But Eddie Kaspbrak was someone who seemed like a weak, little crybaby, and Eddie didn’t bother trying to change people’s minds. But secretly he was brave, and loyal, and selfless, and he didn’t even care if anybody knew about it. He just was.

Richie used to cry, too, when Bowers and his gang used to beat him up. And he was self-conscious about his glasses the way Eddie must be about his height. And he was scared a lot, too. He tried his best to hide it, but he thought a few people had him pegged for what he was. He looked up to Bill because Bill was so effortlessly cool and wise and strong and brave. But when he realised Eddie was so brave, too, it made Richie look at him in wonder. It made Richie feel like it was okay to be a weak, little crybaby sometimes – you could be those things, but really be something else, something better, and people didn’t need to acknowledge that for it to mean anything.

Well, the rest of the world didn’t know who Eddie Kaspbrak really was, but what did the world know, anyway. _Richie_ knew. And the feeling that came with that knowledge was so strong that it started Richie’s heart like a defibrillator. And now it seemed to work differently for Eddie.

And Richie was now very aware that his head was on Eddie’s thigh.

‘Richie?’ Eddie prompted softly, and Richie tried to hide a gulp.

‘Yeah?’ he croaked.

‘You know what I mean, don’t you.’ It wasn’t exactly a question, just an acknowledgement, a reassurance.

Richie thought of Eddie being brave. Whatever it was he’d done. He wanted to be able to cherish that memory, too – to be one of the only people who knew how amazing Eddie really was, and the one who loved him for it first.

He wanted to say ‘yeah, I get you, Eddie.’ But what came out was: ‘What kinds of things do you want to remember?’

He didn’t want to know. Didn’t want them to talk about it in case they actually remembered anything. He knew it was safer to leave it all alone, even if the good had to be buried with the bad. But he wanted to know what Eddie cherished from that summer.

_Please let it be me._

He didn’t feel a need like this around his other crushes. He didn’t feel like his world rested on how they felt about him, if they cared about him, if they even noticed him at all. He was happy to enjoy his own feelings from afar. And he’d liked it like that.

But this wasn’t the same as how he felt about Bill and Bev and the others. With everyone else, his heart played along real nice, and everything was nice was fun and warm. But Eddie wasn’t everyone else, it seemed. Eddie was now _someone_ . And it wasn’t nice and fun and warm when it was _someone_ , and you were both boys and it was 1958, and there was no guarantee of them liking you back. It was big, and scary, and important, and sad.

And Richie wouldn’t change it for the world.

He would cling to this forever now, even if he didn’t have to. He wanted to love Eddie till the day he died, even if nothing ever came of it. It just felt like that was the best thing his heart could ever do.

And even though this whole thing kind of sucked, he was glad it was Eddie ruining his life life this. He didn’t want anyone to have that kind of power over him, but if it had to happen someday – which it seemed like it must with all those crushes fluttering around – he was glad it was Eddie. He wouldn’t want anyone else to make him feel this sad, and hopeful, and wrong, and right. Eddie deserved it. Deserved to be the centre of someone’s universe. And Richie would do that for him, with pride.

‘I want to remember all of us, together,’ Eddie replied.

And it wasn’t ‘you, Richie’, but at least he was included in there – one sixth of the thing Eddie cared about the most.

And that would do for now.

 

* * *

Canal Days, 1959

 

That was when they first kissed.

There was a fair at Bassey Park, celebrating the canal’s 75th year as a staple of Derry, and they’d been there all day getting hopped up on rides and candy and the freedom of summer. It felt like ages since they’d had a summer vacation – almost like last year’s one never even happened – and the Losers Club was reveling in it now. Richie had seen them all today, though never all in the same place at the same time (like Clark Kent and Superman) and it had been one of the best days of his life. He just wished they could have all shared it together.

Eddie was here, though, and that was just as important. Eddie was around a lot these days.

As depressing as his feelings could be around Eddie, Richie was still very eager to have them, and see if anything could come of it. He doubted it, but it was fun trying to find excuses to touch Eddie, and tease him, and spend time with him without the others.

Strangely, Eddie hadn’t much objected to being taken under Richie’s wing.

Richie had even managed to convince Eddie to come back to his house after the fair, and to sit on the bed next to him – he didn’t know how he’d done it, he’d spent the past nine months trying to be near Eddie and sometimes it was hard to find an excuse without being too obvious. And God only knew how he’d managed it, but Richie had even teased Eddie enough that he had managed to convince Eddie to kiss him – and Eddie must not have noticed that Richie was too nervous to move forward, because he was the one who pressed their lips together. That was followed by another kiss – neither of them suggested it that time, it just happened. Then there was a moment of panic for Eddie and a pep talk from Richie, which didn’t actually need to last that long before Eddie seemed to be over it and was ready to try again a third time.

Today was a good day, and everything was going Richie’s way.

 

* * *

Spring of 1960

 

That was when Richie moved away.

It rained a lot in Derry, but today was traitorously sunny and bright. It felt like a big ‘fuck you, Richie’, like the world was telling him his problems didn’t mean shit in the grand scheme of things – it could still be sunny today, and nobody really cared that he had to leave Derry and his world had fallen apart.

He spent his final morning with the Losers (bar Ben who had already moved away a few months ago) and he spent his final hour with Eddie.

They hadn’t kissed for awhile, not since Richie found out he was moving away. It was like they had both agreed to try and put a stop to it early, so when the last day came it wouldn’t be even harder. But that small effort didn’t make any difference. It still felt like the world was fucking ending.

Eddie was being brave. Richie admired and thanked him for it, because it was the only thing making him able to face this, too. They had all tried sitting in Richie’s empty bedroom earlier, but it was way too fucking sad, so they ended up outside on the old swingset that Richie never used anymore – it was staying because the new people moving in had a couple of kids who could make use of it.

Richie was using it one last time, working the old plastic seat in circles to twist the chains, then lifting his feet up and spinning round in circles. Eddie just sat on the swing next to him, shuffling his feet in the grass.

Richie couldn’t remember the last thing they’d talked about. It had been quiet for a while. Neither of them knew what to say.

Then Richie’s mom came out and said it was time for Eddie to go, and that started something off inside them. Richie felt it in Eddie just as sure as he felt it in himself. But he wouldn’t say anything until Eddie did, he wouldn’t be the one to screw everything up, but he kind of wanted Eddie to.

Eddie stood up from the swing like a dead man walking, and Richie led him round the side of the house to the street. When they got to the end of the hedge and could see Eddie’s bike lying on the front lawn – the bike that would have to take him away from Richie forever – Eddie finally broke.

‘Richie, no,’ he choked, stopping in his tracks and turning to Richie, grabbing his arms desperately. Richie reached for him in the same moment, pushing Eddie back into the shadowy space between the hedge and the house and kissing him one last time. They weren’t exactly hidden, but it was good enough for right now.

Richie pulled back from their last kiss and smiled ruefully.

‘We could have gotten so good at that,’ he said wistfully.

‘You’re good enough already,’ Eddie said, surprising Richie with his praise. Eddie usually didn’t like to admit stuff like that, knowing how much Richie would tease him for it. ‘Any better and it would be dangerous.’

‘Dangerous’?" Richie laughed, his heart full and breaking. "Careful, Eddie, your Sonia is showing.’

Eddie looked up into his blue eyes – still hidden by those God damned specs for now – and Richie knew he was thinking about kissing him again. But then Eddie seemed to think better of it, God damn him, and Richie wasn’t going to be the one who wouldn’t let go – he wouldn’t make this any worse for Eddie than it had to be.

Luckily, Eddie did at least wrap his arms around Richie and hug him, allowing Richie to hold him for a few moments longer.

‘Don’t cry, Eds.’

‘I’m not crying,’ Eddie lied. ‘And don’t call me that, you a-hole. How many f-fucking times.’ He stuttered on the f-word as he sucked down some sobs that threatened to get out.

Richie pretended not to notice his shirt getting wet and pressed his cheek against Eddie’s hair.

‘I just...know we’re going to forget,’ Eddie admitted, finally, voicing that horrible fear that had haunted them both since they found out Richie was moving away. _Worse_ than Richie moving away: forgetting. Some things were best left forgotten, they all knew that. But not this, surely. Couldn’t they have this? Even if it came with some of the bad, Richie thought he would take it all.

‘Like Ben,’ Richie said, solemnly.

Eddie nodded into Richie’s shoulder. ‘ _That’s_ his name,’ he said, sounding irritated. ‘I’ve been trying to remember it all afternoon. He was our best friend – then he left Derry and now sometimes I can’t even remember his name anymore.’ He squeezed Richie harder, and Richie squeezed back. ‘Richie…’ He trailed off, but Richie knew what Eddie wanted to say, and why he didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to ask Richie to make any promises he knew he couldn’t keep.    

‘My heart won’t forget,’ Richie said. And this was a promise. He knew that, just as sure he knew his brain _would_ forget. He knew it just as sure as he knew they’d all made a promise in the summer of 1958, a promise he would keep if he had to, even though he didn’t want to, even though he didn’t remember what it was. ‘Even if my stupid brain goes to shit once I leave Derry, my heart won’t forget you, Eddie Kaspbrak. I promise.’

Eddie made a sound into Richie’s shirt and it was definitely mixed with crying but was mostly a laugh.

‘You better not. You ruined my life.’

Richie squeezed Eddie’s shoulders in a tight bear hug until Eddie laughed properly and harder and started trying to wriggle free.

‘Alright! Alright! Get off me!’

They didn’t look at each properly – that would get them nowhere fast – so Richie just wrapped an arm round Eddie’s shoulder and steered him round the front of the house, out into that glorious, cruel sunshine.

Eddie stepped out of the last, wistful half-embrace of Richie’s arm and headed toward his bike without looking back. Richie was sure he wanted to scream ‘ _Don’t make me do this, Richie!_ _Don’t make me get on this bike and ride away from you!_ ’ But Eddie was damn brave, even if Richie was one of the only people who knew that, and he said nothing. Richie turned and walked up the front steps of his house, not planning to turn back either. But wishing –

‘Richie!’

Richie whirled around, his heart ricocheting around his entire body like he was a living pinball machine. Eddie was perched on his bike on the Toziers’ front lawn, his mouth half open as if there were so much to stay it all tried to come out at once and got stuck in the doorway.   

‘I know,’ grinned Richie. ‘I think I love you, too.’

Eddie’s face lit up and Richie wouldn’t have been surprised if he had started floating away.

Richie felt like putting on a voice to say goodbye – the southern belle, in particular, was just itching to come out. But suddenly he realised his throat had closed up, constricted so tightly it felt like it was burning, and there was a hot, spiked pressure behind his eyes that took everything he had to hold back.

So instead he just lifted his hand to his lips, placed a pouty kiss to his fingertips and blew it in Eddie’s direction, waggling his fingers in a ridiculous goodbye.

Eddie smiled and rolled his eyes, which was obviously not the way to keep that pressure at bay because Richie saw a few tears escape Eddie as he did so. And then, because it was all there was left to do, Eddie raised his foot to the pedal of his bike and rode away.

And within a week, Richie couldn’t remember him anymore.

 

* * *

 June 4th, 1985

 

That was when Richie remembered again.

It made sense that his final memories of the Losers were the ones that came back last, but it was also too unfair. After everything they’d been asked to do – by fate, themselves, the Turtle, whatever it was – couldn’t he have had this in time to use it? There was nothing he could do about it now. Eddie was already gone.

Forever this time.

But maybe this _was_ meant to be a gift, Richie thought. A small reward, in a weird way. Getting to remember one last time, and already being on the plane home to L.A.   

If he’d remembered back in Derry, he was pretty sure he would never have been able to leave. Eddie was still down there somewhere, and Richie hadn’t pulled him out, so Richie would stay, too. He wouldn’t get anything out of it, he may even have forgotten Eddie right away, but at least he’d be there.

But the memories had come back when he was already on his way out of Derry, and he knew that by the time he was back in California they would have started to fade. So it was safe to remember, as the memories of late 1958, 1959, and early 1960 returned at long last. And as painful as it was, thank _God_ he could remember. It would have been too cruel to go through all this and not remember that he loved Eddie Kaspbrak, and be able to love him even more, just for a few minutes, before it was all taken away again.

Eddie who had been so brave. Eddie who made sacrifices for them again and again. Eddie who’d looked at that lanky, four-eyed pre-teen Richie with a mixture of admiration and amazement, like Richie was actually somebody. Eddie who thought _Richie_ was brave. Eddie who had kissed him first, because Richie was too nervous. Eddie who had put aside all his deepest fears just to admit to himself that he liked Richie back.

Richie slumped forward in his seat with his head in his hands and cried all the way home. And by the time he was back in LAX he didn’t remember any of it anymore.

But he kept that second, all-important promise, too, just as he'd kept the first.

Richie didn’t know it, but his heart never got over Eddie Kaspbrak.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for this. I got into Reddie because apparently I hate myself, and now I'm inflicting my pain on others.
> 
> When I started 'It' earlier this year I was so NOT prepared for what was going to happen to my life. My entire world is now 'It' and the Losers Club. The only saving grace was that I didn't have any ships to worry about. Then I finally got my hands on a copy of the 1990 TV version and it was like "Hey. What about Reddie?" And I was like "...shit, you're right." And now my life is RUINED. So here is the first of many Reddie fanfics...
> 
> This one is mainly me just testing the waters. I've never written anything for such a serious source text or ship - my fics are usually all light and fluffy - and I also just wanted to flesh out my headcanons and ideas for the pairing and get to grips with the characters a bit. 
> 
> I'm aware that it's very wordy and there's like 0 dialogue in here, and I do apologise for that. Also, the reason Part 2 (where they actually get together) is so short is because I wrote the whole thing in my head one night and it had such cute and awesome dialogue - and then by the next morning I'd forgotten the whole thing. I didn't want to spend days trying to write something that wouldn't be as good, so I just did an outline (which I plan to redo properly one day). I just really wanted to get on and post this to delcare that I AM HERE FOR THE REDDIE CONETNT!
> 
> If you want to talk about Reddie or 'It', please feel free to message me on tumblr (justa-fangirl). I don't know anyone who likes 'It' so I've just been talking at people about it all year!


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